The Monster I Love
by thegirltornupbypride
Summary: Six years ago, Rin was raped at a party and as a result left her city and friends behind. Now she has returned ready to take back her life, but could the man she's falling for be the man who hurt her in the past? What could you do if the man you loved was actually the monster you hated? Could you forgive him? Sess/Rin/Nar


**The Monster I Love **

**Chapter 1: Carmine **

_Offensive. _An awful stench bloomed from carelessly discarded red party cups and various beer cans strewn about the room. The odor was strong enough to affect the young lady who had passed out across the queen size bed. Tides of nausea stirred powerfully within her stomach as she forced herself to sit up.

Covering the face of the girl was a royal blue pillow case. As she sat she did not make any attempts to remove the obstruction that hid her face until, that is, she could no longer resist the urge to heave all of the alcohol that she had consumed earlier. After dropping the pillowcase on the floor and expelling her body of the liquor she consumed hours earlier the young woman wrapped her arms around herself with her shoulders shuddering.

A life changing event took place in this lavish bedroom. The oxygen weighed heavy in the room. Within her it felt as though a ball and chain attached to her heart. A heart that persisted in climbing up without a chance to a place it once thrived. A delicate hand clutched at the skin just above her breast, a place where her literal heart pumped to keep her breathing.

The sound of misery released from her throat was small, upset, almost inhuman, and remained unheard to anyone else. The room was scanned by mocha pigmented irises that held inside them only forced composure while taking note of her hastily removed blouse and undergarments. The feeling between her thighs was uncomfortable and tender but it did not prevent her gingerly placed steps.

Every second that was spent here in this room made her stomach churn harder and then harder again. It was as if insects were crawling all over her skin and the only escape was to purge the grime from the interior of these four walls. The bed sheets were unbecomingly bedraggled and seemed to plead with her to make them with a gentle hand and promise of reassurance.

Her small hands began reaching and gripping the bed clothes gingerly. Along the smooth luxurious material lay a crimson blemish that sullied the purity of the Egyptian cotton. The shaking began with her fingers as she stared at the stain, _unforgivable. _An unrecognizable feeling akin to guilt swayed in her veins, she realized, these sheets would never regain the purity they once held. In only a short period of time they became worthless.

An ambush of saltwater ate at the mask of poise she appointed herself but after a hard swallow she sent the self-pity into exile. The emotions she was struggling to contain deserved to be liberated in a fort of solitude and not in a place like this, not in a place where her dignity had been so bruised. The fast paced beat that drummed throughout the house told her the party had yet to come to a close.

This made no difference to her, as she had no intention of departing the space until it was clean enough to meet her expectations. Hours seemed to pass before she was content with the state of the room and at that time most of the guests made their way home. The room called to her as she attempted to leave without a glance, but there was no choice. After one last long good look at the room she closed the door.

After slipping through the front door among a few other pairs she started the lengthy walk to her home. The wet road reflected some light of an orange lamppost across street making the ground shimmer. The ground crunched beneath sluggish footsteps because maybe, just maybe, if she took longer she would wake up. A car pulled up beside her slowing to remain at her pace. The urge to look over at the driver was strong but not irresistible.

"Get in the car, Rin." his deep familiar voice. The lack of attention she paid the driver seemed to have an ill effect on his temper.

"At least let me drive you home." It played out in Rin's head like a cd skipping over the same set of words in song. She was so lost in the repetition that she could no longer recall the beginning from the end. Rin finally turned her gaze and slowed her walk to a halt if only just to rearrange her focus. _Could there be anything worth saving at this point? _The sound of the ground beneath her weight surprised her. Her body was acting of its own accord as she found herself moving closer to the car. _'This is what it must be like to be on standby.'_ Rin thought with her hand hovering over the handle of the car door.

"It's late; you shouldn't be out here alone." Rin was well aware this guy did not have a good reputation, but perhaps that was no longer a problem for her. All she saw in his eyes was sincerity as she studied their rich colored depths.

"Maybe I should just keep walking. It isn't that far from here." she was trying to make an excuse, but he clicked his teeth at the nonsense which left her lips.

"I'm not letting you walk alone." he was becoming agitated with her stubborn attitude. Startled, Rin felt her fingers grasp the car handle and pull it opening the door at once. _What image is there to protect?_ Rin stared at her feet. She could not think of a word to say to him. Their exchanges had never been pleasant despite his attempts. Rin frowned; the thought of her cold attitude toward him filled her with shame. She turned her head admiring his white skin, it was radiant. He was focused on the road and all she could do was admire the length of his lashes. _Why was it only now that he seemed so inviting?_

"I promise not to change this face." he turned his gaze to meet her own and for just a moment, she saw regret. Rin cast her focus again to her feet. The picture of his profile seemed burned in her mind. At least, for a while, she was able to let go of reality while taking a ride in his car. The car stopped in front of her house and remained parked for a time as the pair sat in silence. _What was so hard about leaving the car? Was it the certainty that this illusion would crumble?_ Rin reached for the door but found that the driver grabbed her shoulder gently and yet desperately. In her shock she remained completely still avoiding his gaze.

"I don't know what's going on with you and as much as you would love to deny it, I'm here if you need anything. You know where to find me, kid." he released her just as the final word left his mouth. Rin bit her lip and chose not to look at the guy with the horrible reputation. The house seemed like a fortress as she viewed it. A sudden vibration brought her thoughts to the present. Rin's fingertips touched her phone as it buzzed again and again until just before it went to voice mail. _Was it worth talking to her friends if they just thought of her now? _

"Hey…" her tone was lacking enthusiasm and her greeting ended with a sigh.

_"Where have you been?" _ Rin banished her tears by blinking before answering. _Did they even bother trying to find her? Had they been so blinded by their flirtations that they forgot about her?_

"I left the party early," she lied. "I thought I was ready for this, but I was wrong. I'm sorry that I made you guys worry by not saying goodbye." she wanted to shield them from the ugly event. The urge to protect them was something she herself did not understand. It was selfish, but partially she blamed them. An overabundance of what ifs plagued her mind as she slowly walked up the steps to her front door.

_"So you missed the big commotion that happened upstairs?" _ Rin's eyes doubled in size at the mention of some event during the party that she had not heard.

"I must have left before that happened." Rin recalled slipping away from the pair as they cozied up to some boys, but everything was blur. She had mumbled something to them, but it was fuzzy. Rin thought it was possible her friends thought that she had left from the beginning and that was the reason for their assurance of her safety.

_"Have you sobered up? You were wasted, we worried."_ Rin bit her lip to keep from impulsively showing her anger. How could they leave her unattended if she was obviously out of sorts? She shook her head. She had to stop, her thoughts were rambling on in scribbled circles.

"I should probably sleep this off. I'll say good night first." she did not await their response before pressing the end button and looking at the screen of her phone. It still had not changed to reflect her current status. Her throat tightened even more than it had during the call. Rin continued to fight the sobs that rumbled in the back of her throat. It was after shutting the front door of her family home that she felt the long stifled cry of absolute loss reverberate in her lungs and out of her throat. It was not a loud noise, but powerful. Rin's body seemed to crumble against the door.

"..." The sound continued as she pounded at her chest miserably with her fist. Her legs were sprawled beneath her as she tried to catch her breath. It seemed to be an impossible feat. The multitude of tears pouring down her face and getting caught in her lips were almost never ending. Her chest heaved between sobs taking as much oxygen as they could hold on to. Rin's arms wrapped around her shoulders embracing herself because there was no choice. _Who else did she have to hold her? The answer to that is simple and well known to her, no one. _

After what seemed and what could have very well been hours, she stood. Rin carried her tender trembling body up the stairs to the bathroom. Soon enough the bathroom began to fog up with steam from the hot shower. She stared at the fogged mirror and she was glad she could not see herself. Rin believed that she was surely a sight to see. Rin imagined her smudged lipstick, running mascara, tear streaked face, and disheveled hair. She was aware that entering the hot water would get rid of any chance she had at convicting the man who had done this to her.

"Can't I live like this never happened?" she asked herself, closing her eyes, she wiped away the fog suddenly wanting to catch a glimpse of herself. There was hope that when she looked at her reflection it would not be as bad as she imagined. She forced her eyes open and she wished she had not given in to her curiosity. Her reflection was just as she thought, the picture of a broken woman, but it were the eyes that watched her. Those sad lifeless eyes did not belong to her. Rin was staring at an unfortunate stranger.

"I, alone, will know you existed. I can figure this out on my own." Rin could not acknowledge this event in her life to others. She refused, the shame she carried was enough. Once again, the reflection became fogged by the steam in the room and with it the unfortunate girl in the mirror disappeared. Rin stepped into the shower and allowed all of her evidence to be washed away by harsh scrubbing and water that turned her skin red. Bringing him to justice would mean people finding out that she was yet again fortune's fool, and she refused to accept the pity of others again.

Rin's body shivered under the shower which had become cold. Although her body was covered in goose bumps and her teeth chattered she did not move for a long while. It was a refreshing feeling to be so cold, to be so clean. She mentally retraced her steps that night. No matter how hard she tried to remember walking into that room, she could not. The last place she recalled was the bathroom. The floor had been slippery, but with what she did not care to know. _'Did I hit my head? Did I slip?'_ she shook her head. None of the scenarios she could come up with had any way of being true.

"How did I get in that room?" she reached up and twisted the knob to end the shower. An unwanted memory crept to the front of her thoughts. The person who was on top of her, forcing her pillow covered head deeper into the mattress. The undeniable feel of his skin against hers as he repeatedly entered her unwilling body filled her eyes with moisture. Tears fell. She had thrashed around for a while and she even thought to scream, but the music was so loud the floor vibrated beneath them, it would have been no use. She felt pain which had become something else, it was not the pleasure she read about in her romance novels.

In that moment, Rin felt completely empty. The strong hand that wrapped around the back of her neck was digging into her skin; surely there were bruises that matched the ones on her hips and waist. The sound of the man's erratic breathing before he finished using her was enough to render her motionless. She felt him jerk for once second and then quickly pull away before a warm oozing sensation met her back. After that all she could recall was a headache and waking up in that room naked and afraid.

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><p><em><strong>AN**: Sorry, for the wait. This is chapter one, rewritten. The chapter is called Carmine, which is just another way to say crimson, or red. I chose it because it's a beautiful word and it's relevant to the chapter in a way that you won't understand for a little while; however keep the word in mind. Also, I referenced Romeo and Juliet by using the phrase, fortune's fool. It basically means that people are slaves for their fortune or fate to make fools of. A special thank you and round of applause to my BETA anymeaddict for taking the time to help me_. Reviews are much appreciated.

I decided to rewrite the story and give it a clean slate. Please enjoy and let me know what you think. You can also get in touch with me via my ffnet twitter. ATSIGN girltornbyypride


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